so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
