Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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