well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
