she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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