I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
