When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My cat gives me a boner
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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