Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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