you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize