Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
