Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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