My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
