I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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