I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
