i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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