He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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