then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
