I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
