that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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