you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
