I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
