hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
