I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
