She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
