I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
