I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
