I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
