So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize