just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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