I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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