I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
tell me about the eggs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize