i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize