Your face is a jimmy john
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
