Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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