Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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