I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
