I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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