I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
