I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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