It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
