He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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