Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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