I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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