I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
no, he came in my armpit
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
