I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
