Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
