Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
