All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
