from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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