Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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