Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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