Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
