wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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