apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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