Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
