my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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