And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
