What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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