my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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