Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
