She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize